Poetry

Bittersweet Solitude

Google+ Pinterest LinkedIn Tumblr

In the chilling whispers of the night,
Thoughts begin to race, take flight.
I listen to my shallow breathing
And the thump of my heart’s rhythmic beating.
When emotions pour out one by one,
I try to escape them, I try to run.
Anxiety creeps in like roots of a tree,
Suffocating in a darkness deeper than I can see.
Blinded by a despicable hatred,
As I watch those dear to me become alienated.
The walls inside me that I have so carefully rebuilt
Have crumbled away with tears of guilt.
It’s not fair, but it’s no use,
I’ve repeatedly broken my truce.
What happened to me? What have I become?
To which downfall did I succumb?
I turn every corner to face an obstruction,
While my life as I know it spirals into destruction.
I chain my wrists to planks of shame
Only to break the metal, restart the game.
Finally, peace overcomes my soul,
For the written remains always in the scroll.
I remind myself that believers will be afflicted with trials,
that I must strive for triumph on the Day of no denial.

Drowning in this bittersweet solitude of mine
I find neither death nor lifeline.
Only acceptance of fate: a healing by time,
A soothing remedy of prose and rhyme.
So I vanquish my worries and conquer my sorrows,
Life is too beautiful to beg for a different tomorrow.

The youth in my body will fade away with age,
But the youth in my soul will forever remain.
And I’ll smile for every blessing I own.
Time ticks away, and I watch the sun rise alone.

***

Undoubtedly, no Muslim is perfect, and as young adults facing everyday stresses of college, family obligations and other personal issues, we are not either. Depression affects us all and it is during this time our iman is called into question. How much can we rely on Allah during the most difficult moments of our lives? All the ayat and quotes we read about putting our trust in Allah seem meaningless at the times when they should help us the most. On these occasions, we spiral into what seems like a never-ending cycle of misery. We dig ourselves into a deep hole we never knew we created, constantly blame ourselves for it and trying to pull ourselves out only to fall back in, again and again.

For a while, we stop trying. Our days become bland rituals and we no longer taste the sweetness of iman that we once possessed. We feel that we have no purpose, and even the small moments of happiness seem to be brutally snatched away. The worry sets in, clawing at the back of our minds like nails on a chalkboard. It makes us cringe and we try to escape, but it’s always there, nagging. In the end, we must realize that worrying won’t change our situation – only Allah will. Upon comparing our mentalities today to the people during the time of the Prophet Muhammad (s), we are a society devoid of sabr. Until we learn to accept that no calamity will strike us without Allah’s permission, that every hardship comes with ease, and that Allah tests those whom He loves, we will continue to remain in this endless cycle.

Avatar

Once referred to as a “40-year old trapped in a teenage body” and a “Renaissance woman,” Sara Bawany can humbly testify that she has dabbled in many different fields relating to careers, organizations, and Islam. An obsessive baker (and eater), a varsity tennis player, and a Lincoln-Douglas debate veteran, Sara enjoys immersing herself in different activities aside from studying diligently to achieve her goal of becoming a surgeon. Having attended 11 schools in her life from Ohio and Texas to California and Florida, she is a prospective student at a 4-year university next year InshaAllah. Aside from school, she is the Vice President of Muslim Student Association and an active member of her local youth group. Sara rejoices at every opportunity to extend a hand out to the Muslim youth along with anyone in need of a little guidance, moral support, or friend. She is a busy girl what with trying to finish up her senior year dually with her Associate’s degree, but in her spare time, she volunteers excessively, independently studies the Qur’an, and when time permits, has random panic attacks about the future. Sara joined MYM because she strives to be a part of the growing movement in Islamic literature, as well as work with her passion for writing and for Islam. She believes that high emotions and extreme tension are best relieved through writing and she hopes to be able to channel her own feelings into amazing pieces for youth across the world to muse over.