Cold Spring Days

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On cold spring days like today,
I remember you most. 
I wonder too,
if you remember me.
I imagine the day we may meet again,
will you have missed me?
When our eyes first meet,
will yours be filled with rage?
Or will you have forgiven me
for the countless wrongs I committed
against you.  

When my knees drop to the frozen ground,
do you hear the crash of my weight bear down 
like thunderous rain against your house?
When I beg God to show you mercy,
do winged angels surprise you with gifts?
When I call your name late in the night,
regretting all the times 
I didn’t pick up the phone and 
call you while I still could,
I wonder then 
if you can hear the pained sound 
that reverberates in my chest 
at your memory.

Dear loved one,
please forgive me.
It took your death 
to awaken my heart.

I let the cold wind whip my face 
and prick my skin,
sensations that remind me 
I am alive.
I let the icy feeling spread 
through my warm body
as I stand against the pale sun.
Surveying the polished stones and 
littered flowers among 
shards of grass sprouting 
from the dead earth.
The only sign of life in these vast fields
is the fleeting mist 
my breath leaves in the air.

I look down,
beneath my feet 
you lie deep under the earth 
I still walk on.

I wonder,
if you feel my presence 
the way I still
feel yours.

You are in a world 
separate from mine 
with no way for us 
to communicate. 

A blue-grey plaque spells out your name,
the only marker that remains
of your existence,
other than mine.
My life, a continuation of yours,
carries on your legacy.

I try to think of you as you were,
rather than the skeleton 
you must be now.

I imagine where you might be,
and with whom
on a different plane of existence,
one I will soon join too.
I pray that day comes 
like a welcomed hug
bringing with it, freedom 
from missing you.

When you were alive, 
I ached for your absence.
Now that you’ve gone, 
I ache for your presence.

I can’t tell you how sorry I am 
for not hugging you more,
when all you wanted 
was to see my face and 
cherish our last moments together.
The day you departed,
I knew I had failed. 

I then vowed 
to do everything in my power 
to correct the mistakes 
I made with you.
With my hand on your grave,
I swear to never let another down
as I did you.
I take this oath so never again 
will there be tears of regret 
pooling in my eyes,
a painstaking carousel in my mind 
of all the chances I missed
to be with you.

I promise now, 
the next time someone 
leaves me behind 
there will be no words left unspoken,
no apologies whispered 
on the side of a deathbed,
I won’t ever dodge their hugs or kisses,
run away from their love
or let them doubt my affections.

I will do everything in my power to ensure 
there are no more 
cold spring days
like today. 

Javheria developed a passion for literature at a very young age. Her mother started reading to her long before she was born, naturally fostering Javheria's interest in the written word. Raised in Mississauga, Javheria earned a B.A. in Professional Writing from York University. With a goal to inspire others through her words, she is on a lifelong journey to become a bestselling author in both fiction and nonfiction. She continues to live in Mississauga with her mother and two cats.

1 Comment

  1. It is difficult to encapsulate “grief,” as it encompasses so many emotions beyond sadness. This piece makes it palpable. It brought tears to my eyes.

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