Haunting Sins

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I wonder how you get to sleep at night.

I wonder how could you possibly just close your eyes and shut the tall thick wooden doors on the world. Shut it out completely. Erase it from your mind. I wonder if you lie there staring at the ceiling, like normal people do, countless thoughts sprinting through your mind. Or does the intense burden of your sins exhaust you and you fall into a painless oblivion. Unaware and unconscious. You see, for me my sins keep me awake. They haunt me at every corner. I see their ugly faces grin at me through the darkness. I can’t seem to shut my eyes and shut them out. I wonder how you’re able to wave them aside with a whispered goodnight.

My mother always says people like you have the sweetest sleep. The sweetest dreams too. And I always try to detect the hint of sarcasm in her voice but I don’t find any. There never is. I wonder whether it’s your grandiose dreams of eternity and paradise that blind you completely. Maybe it’s the delicate veil of avarice that’s been so gently placed upon your heart that is to blame. I don’t know. And that’s what I wonder about on these sleepless sinful nights when I find myself wide awake, while you’re asleep.

I wonder what kind of unfairness this is that you get to sleep and the suffering turn and toss in their beds, all the sleep in their eyes dead and gone. You get to sleep while the oppressed lie there, wondering who they will lose next and how many more tears they shall shed. You get a peacefully ignorant sleep, unaware of the chaos and destruction you have caused, unaware of the mountains of curses that your people build for you. I wonder if there is anything called justice in your world. I don’t know. And that’s what I wonder about on these sleepless sinful nights when I find myself wide awake, while you’re asleep.

I wonder if you think about that rope. For some people He loosens it. Lets you dangle and play. But the more the rope is loosened and relaxed, the more painful and excruciating it will be when it’s dragged back.

But like everyone, on these murky black nights He awaits your return.

Born and raised in the UK, Ruqaiyya Maryam loves reading, cooking and sleeping. All of these things are nearly impossible with a super active and super naughty 2 year old who drives her absolutely mad. She is constantly asking God for strength and patience 🤦🏻‍♀️ Organic eggs are still a biggie, but the shoe obsession has quietened down due to lack of shoe space and fear of falling whilst running after above mentioned toddler! She is a part of MYM as she wants to reach out to the Muslim Youth of today through her writing and experiences and of course play a tiny part in spreading this beautiful deen of ours.


  1. this was written very well masha’Allah and holds so much truth. the emotions made it priceless. While reading, i was reminded of this quote:

    Keep yourself busy in remembering your
    faults, so that you have no time to remember the faults of others. Be sad on
    account of all the time you spent in the past in other than the pursuit of your
    Hereafter. Cry frequently for the wrongs you have committed in the past, and
    perhaps you will then be saved from them. Never tire or become bored of good
    deeds and of the people who perform them. — Sufyan ath-Thawri

    Some people do forget about their sins and dont give it much thought. maybe by reading this, people may be moved to Tawbah. JZK for sharing=)

  2. Powerful piece, Māshā’Allāh!

    It’s amazing how much we begin to forget about suffering so quickly. We get fed, get some toys (“gadgets”), and live a life of blissful ignorance, thinking we are living the refined and classy life.

    I also liked the personification of sins; speaking about them as human (which I believe also happened in the Hadith) makes them even more real and yes, haunting. May Allah (subhānahu wa ta’āla) forgive all of our sins and allow us to enter Jannah without any reckoning. Ameen.

  3. Fatimah Waseem Reply

    MashaAllah. A truly moving and inspirational piece :)

    May Allah (SWT) never take away our ability to think about our sins and feel immense sorrow and regret for them. 

    Wow… a lot of MYM’s recent pieces have been about sleep and the ultimate sleep. Yet, each one holds on its own, mashaAllah.

  4. This was so beautiful mashaAllah! Very well written and makes one think about how we go about our life without thinking about how much we’ve sinned in a day..May Allah protect us from this oblivion

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